


Body to the Flame

by orphan_account



Category: Thoroughbreds (2017)
Genre: Dreaming, F/F, Unrequited Love, i guess, kinda just more like an additional scene than anything else lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-07 18:30:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14087001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It was Lily, and Lily was different.





	Body to the Flame

**Author's Note:**

> hi this is dumb but here you go! i dont really write very much so its not great but i hope you enjoy!! :-)
> 
> for context this is supposed to take place in between the scene in the kitchen and the end of the movie.

“I’m sorry.”

“What?” Lily turned to face her. There was only a small space between the two on Lily’s couch. A black-and-white movie played in the background.

“About your dad. I’m sorry.”

Lily looked confused. “Why are you telling me now?”

“I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to let you know that if I could, I would feel bad for you. About your dad, and Mark, and I don’t know. Everything.” Amanda looked down, picking the skin near her thumbnail.

“I don’t need you to feel bad for me, Amanda.” Lily’s voice is cold. Her voice is cold in a way that only she can muster. A special type of coldness that could pierce right to Amanda’s heart in a way no one or nothing else ever could. In a way Amanda didn’t understand. 

“I know.”

There was a silence between them. It was cold, and oppressive, and it stiffened the already heavy air. Amanda glued her eyes to the screen. It seemed to be some type of romance, like most these older films were, but she couldn’t say for sure. She’d hardly been paying attention. She didn’t really even like these old movies. When Lily had asked, she said that she did. And with how pleased Lily had seemed, it just didn’t feel worth the confession. She could tolerate them. 

She felt a shift in weight next to her, and a second later Lily had grasped her shoulder and buried her head awkwardly into her chest. She was crying, letting out small sobs punctuated by gasps of air. Amanda draped her arm around Lily, and tapped her lightly. “Are you alright?” She asked her as loudly as she could manage, barely above a whisper. Lily nodded, but continued.

Amanda glanced around the room, as if being watched, before relaxing into a more comfortable position. She rubbed Lily’s back gently, shushing her. It would probably surprise most to learn that Amanda was not at all adverse to physical contact as this. In fact, she preferred it. She had no way of comforting Lily with words, but this she could manage. If it were anyone else, it may have been a different story. But that didn’t matter, not to Amanda, because it wasn’t anyone else. It was Lily, and Lily was different. 

After a moment or so, Lily lifted her face. “Are you sure you’re okay?” Amanda asked, brushing a stray of Lily’s hair behind her ear. 

Lily nodded again. “I’m so sorry, honestly I don't even know what came over me.” Lily laughed a tiny, nervous laugh, and wiped a tear from her eye.

“It’s okay.” Amanda said, her eyes locked with Lily’s. Lily had picked up her head and shifted slightly, but most of her weight still leaned on Amanda, and her hand still gripped Amanda’s shoulder. She did not dare break their glance. 

There was another second of silence between them. This one was different, not exactly heavy - but impatient. Waiting for their next move. 

“Lily?” Amanda asked softly. She cupped her hand gently around Lily’s face, wiping a tear as she rest it there.

Lily blinked, and then glanced at where Amanda’s hand rest before meeting her eyes again. “Yes?”

“Can I kiss you?” 

It’s a dangerous question, and one she isn’t sure how escaped her mouth. The silence between them seemed to intensify. Lily’s eyes changed the second she heard it. A quick flicker of something (Hope? Excitement? Amanda couldn't say.) flashed in her eyes. Followed by confusion, and finally settling on some amalgamation of disgust, fear, and anger. “What?” She pushed Amanda away from her, and sat up. “No, you can't kiss me! What is wrong with you?” 

“I don’t know,” Amanda shifted away from Lily, trying to stifle the lump in her throat. 

“Why would you even ask me something like that?”

“I don't know. I thought it was what I was supposed to do.”

“Supposed to do?” Lily repeated. She stood up.

“I thought it was what you wanted me to do.”

“Amanda, I'm not gay.” 

“I'm not either.” She didn't know if that was true. She knew she felt very little, perhaps nothing, but there was something. Something that was less of a feeling, and more of a pull. A pull towards other women, historically, but one she had never experienced quite as strongly as she had towards Lily. 

“Why would you want to kiss me? If you're straight.” Lily seemed flustered.

“I don't know.”

“I think you should go.” 

Amanda stood up, and met Lily’s eyes. She thought about arguing, but what was there to say? “Okay.”

\---------------- 

Amanda dreamt of her. 

In her dream, Lily had kissed her. They were alone. Alone in a seemingly infinite, vast white space. Not even a hint of anything but the two of them. Lily’s lips were soft, and she pressed them to Amanda’s gently. Amanda closed her eyes. The smell of Lily overwhelmed her, a smell consisting of fancy soaps and perfumes Amanda couldn’t name. It was a soft, tentative kiss, and one that only lasted a quick second before the two pulled away. Their eyes locked the second the kiss had ended. Lily’s hand brushed Amanda’s cheek softly, and Amanda felt her breath hitch. She brought her hand to where Lily’s laid on her cheek, and rested her hand upon hers. She moved their hands toward their waists, and carefully intertwined them. Lily’s eyes moved to their hands, and met Amanda’s again. She smiled a tiny, gentle smile. And Amanda felt herself smile too.

Amanda woke up with a jerk at the tone, gasping for breath as if she had been drowning. It was fairly early in the evening still. She glanced at the lit-up screen of her phone, which laid on her pillow next to her. It had been about a week. Since it had happened, since she had asked her. She had texted her everyday since, usually several times a day. It hadn’t seemed to matter, though. No amount of “I’m sorry”s and “I didn’t mean it”s seemed able to drag her out of this hole. Until, possibly, now. She unlocked her phone. Her heart skipped a beat when she confirmed the message was indeed from Lily. 

“I need to see you.” 

“Now?” Amanda responded.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“It doesn’t matter why.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Everything is fine. I just need to see you right now.”

Amanda put her phone down next to her. Something seemed wrong. She couldn’t say that this was unlike Lily, of course, but something felt different. She glanced back at her screen. Four new messages.

“Amanda? Are you coming or not?”

“Are you still there?”

“Amanda?”

“I need you, Amanda.”

Amanda typed as quickly as she could. “Let me see if my mom can give me a ride.”

She set her phone down, and called for her mother.

\---------------- 

Amanda knocked on the thick wooden door. Lily opened it immediately, as if she had been waiting just behind it.

“Hey,” Amanda stepped in. Her eyes met Lily’s. “What's...what’s going on?

“Nothing. I just needed to see you.”

Amanda took a deep breath. “Look, about last week and what I asked you-”

“Don't mention it.” Lily cut her off, with her signature fake smile. 

Amanda paused. “Oh. Okay.” She looked down.

“You can go ahead and sit down in the movie room, if you want. I’ll be there with drinks in a few minutes.”

\---------------- 

She guessed she should have known. She should have figured it was a trap. She appreciated how honest Lily was, and her plan wasn’t bad. It was actually sort of impressive. Everything about Lily was impressive to her.

So she agreed to it. She agreed because why shouldn’t she? Everything Lily had said had rang true. If she felt nothing, it would make no difference to her anyway. Her life didn’t matter, but Lily’s did - and that was the other reason, maybe the only reason. Lily was the reason. In truth, without even trying Lily had shown Amanda a side of herself she had never known she’d had. Lily had made her heart beat faster, she had consumed all of Amanda’s mind. 

In the end, she decided to do it not because she didn’t care, but because she wanted to do it for Lily.

She drank every last drop.

 ----------------

It doesn’t take her long to fall asleep, and she is greeted by Lily when she does. 

In her dream, she is in a different world. A world where everything is perfect except the two of them. A world where none of this had ever happened. In her dream they are a little older, adults. She can’t tell where they are, if they are even somewhere real, but she can tell they’re far from where they were really. They’re on a farm. Their house is small, and cozy, and different. They’re surrounded by horses in stables. They have one bed, and it is theirs together. In her dream they lay in it, side by side, every night. She puts her arm around Lily, and draws her in every night. Lily leans into her embrace, and they're closer than they have ever really been. She can feel Lily breathing, she can hear her heartbeat. They both close their eyes. And then they start to melt. Into each other, into the bed, into the world, into everything. It’s peaceful, and the world feels lighter. She knows that when she wakes the world will have changed, so she doesn’t think about that. Instead she focuses on Lily, and they way the world is melting around them. The way they’re melting into each other. When the melting stops, they are left with something that seems like nothing but isn't. They are left as two beating hearts that have made themselves into just one.


End file.
